Hey John Doe, Thank you for mentioning your situation to me and sharing your concerns for your friend. This is a mark of true care and compassion. As I was thinking over your friend and his situation, I couldn't help but think of how I could help in any way. So, this is my friendly assistance to you and him as a ministry opportunity, however, this assistance is really a call for us to come along our brothers and sisters in Christ when they are being battered by the flesh, Satan, and the world. These of which all of us grapple with, but Satan is so astute to want to declare war and demolish the family. Nevertheless, it behooves us to find ways to help others conquer these attacks on their lives. The first thing your friend must and ought to acknowledge is the Lordship of Christ. In other words, you were bought with a price, a costly one, and your desire is and should be then to follow the commands of your new Captain. As with all of us, obedience isn't an option. Obedience is something that we don't have a choice, if we are looking for success in life's situations, but it is a requirement. The Lordship of Christ means also that we are called to submit, and this submission is sometimes whether we like it or not. It means that we submit even when it hurts or it is embarrassing. Our vulnerabilities should be acknowledged when we decided to become followers of Christ. This spells out accountability. So, not only do we acknowledge the Lordship of Christ and submit to Him unequivocally but we open ourselves for confession and correction so that the process of sanctification (becoming more like Christ) can be facilitated. In sum, here, with your friend, we have to emphasize the need to recommend to him that obedience to the lordship of Christ is being willing to obey His desires and not his, no matter what he feels, how he feels, or the emotions that come and go. The Lordship of Christ is metaphorically illustrated in Scripture with the military language employed by Paul (2 Timothy 2:3-4). The second thing you must stress is that "his feeling that he doesn't love his wife anymore" is a symptom of deeper spiritual things. Why he doesn't love her is something that needs to be addressed seriously! It cannot be brushed away with the routine. He can't just leave it alone to see what happens. He must and ought to get help immediately before it gets worse. So, first he must tell his pastor, he must be open to his wife, he must get his wife to pray for him, he must begin to pray fervently for himself, and he must seek a godly couple or two that he can begin to be accountable to even if it is just praying for him. Whether he needs to step down from his singing ministry or not is really a question as to how serious he is to get this perilous situation taken care of. I recommend that he talks to his pastor and see if that is necessary. It appears to me that it is serious enough in order to protect his marriage. He must be willing to save his marriage above all else. Prior to this of course he must be willing to please his Lord and Savoir first, and with this attitude, he might have enough impetus to proceed. Unfortunately, God may have to crush him and make him weep over what he is doing to this precious gift of life. Let's face it we must all be willing to accept honesty with God in the area of do we really want to please Him or not?  The third thing your friend must do is pray earnestly that God would grant him humility and that he may be granted a desire to fulfill his vows. In other words, encourage him to pray for strong conviction in the area of devotion to his wife (1 Timothy 3:1-2) and then to commit to finding why he feels that he doesn't love her anymore. Love from a man to a woman ought to be sacrificial and unconditional. Even if he feels he doesn't love her, he still has a commandment that he must follow--Ephesians 5:23-33. Now, this is easier said than done, but the appeal to this commandment must be done regardless. We must turn his heart from feelings to objective commandments. He must be shown that the Word of God is the authority and not his emotions and feelings. If this requires him to sit for counseling and learn how to love his wife again then this is what he needs to do. Lastly, if any progress is to be attained, there must be a willingness to recognize that the Word of God is the final authority and standard and rule for practice and conduct. He must get into the Word and re-read passages with humility and submission. Christ and the Word are sufficient for rebuke, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16-17). He must revisit the what, why, and who of marriage. Three principles: 1. How does God view marriage? 2. What are the goals and objectives of marriage? 3. Why and how are these goals and objectives easily sabotaged or hindered?  1A. How does God view marriage? 1. His Plan from the beginning: God sees marriage as a fundamental institution of the fabric of society. In other words, He's designed it as an established universal institution. Gen 2:24-25, Mathew 19:4-6, 1 Corinthians 6:16, Ephesians 5:31-33, 1 Corinthians 7:11. Its an indivisible union. 2. He sees it as a covenant. Mathew 5:27-33, 19:1-6; loyalty and allegiance to each other. A promise to devote to each other. 3. He sees it as a metaphorical picture representing the Church and Christ as the Head: Ephesians 5:23-33. 2A. What are the goals and objectives of marriage. 1. His Purpose from the beginning: To prevent sexual immorality. 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, 1 Thes 4:3-8, Hebrew 13:4, Mathew 5:27-30, Proverbs 2:16-22. 2. To procreate. Gen 1:28, Psalm 127, Deut 6:6-8 3.To promote and teach their children. Ephesians 6:1-3, Col 3:18-21. 4. To prevent a chaotic society. 2 Timothy 3:1-3 5. To provide holiness for each other. Ephesians 5:25-27, 1 Corinthians 7:14 6. To establish a permanent relationship. Malachi 3:14-16, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 24; Mat 19:1-11 3A. What are the obstacles to these goals and objectives? 1. His Prevention from the beginning: To avoid the things that cause stumbling. We are prone, because of our remaining flesh, to give in to the sinful desires. Col 3:5-12, Romans 7:14-25, Gen 3:1-7, Gal 5:21-23 2. Our minds are being renewed Romans 12:1-2, this means we will still be tempted to sin because our redemption did not include an instantaneous perfect renewal of our thought life. Ephesians 4:17-32, Col 3:1-4. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. 3. Our adversary is Satan and he wants us to fall.  Gen 3:1-7, 1 Peter 5:8-9, 2 Corin 11:3, Revelation 12:9, Mathew 6:13, 2 Corinthians 2:11, Ephesians 6:11  Basically, your friend must be called to renewed hope that God's plan never fails. In other words, His Sovereignty has placed your friend exactly where he needs to be. Are there challenges, sure there are, but ultimately he can overcome them 1 John 4:4. God's plans are perfect so that marriage is not a mistake. God gave a woman to him that he must love and learn to live with understanding--1 Peter 3:7. God's purposes are also perfect. He instituted marriage because it was His ways that are better than ours. If we come to question God's plan--our questioning of whether we love our spouse--then we have come to question God's will. I don't believe we want to be in the position to question God's will. There are three fundamental attitudes your friend must endeavor to cultivate continuously: 1. an attitude of "thy will be done" Mathew 26:36-39.  2. an attitude that desires to please God always--John 8:29. 3. And, an attitude that is exemplified in Phil 2:1-5. Therefore, your friend has every tool imaginable to resist the Devil and the flesh by acknowledging Col 2:10. In 2 Peter 1:3 he has been given God's ability for all things pertaining to godliness. In a nutshell, our responsibility to our wives, which is not a feeling or emotion per se, is to: 1. 1 Timothy 3:2 & 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, be singularly devoted to her both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 2. Ephesians 5:25-29 love her sacrificially and unconditionally. Col 3:19 love them without bitterness. 3. 1 Peter 3:7 live with her with understanding/heirs of the "grace"--gift--of life. 4. Proverbs 5:19 & Song of Solomon 1:13, be sexually fulfilled by her. Thanks Benny for letting me help. I pray that this friend starts to see this picture as God paints it. If we are believers, we need to hold each other accountable to the mandate. We must be willing to love the person enough to boldly let them know that they need to submit to God's Word. God's Word is clear, we ought to love our wives, if a feeling comes along that is telling us that we don't feel it, then it is a lie! We need to work through the process of why we feel that way--could it be sin, dissociative affection (feelings toward someone else), pornography, bad advice from others, lack of prayer, lack of reading and studying God's Word, etc. The feeling is to be placed under the microscope of God's Word. "For we can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth" (2 Corin.13:8) Blessings, Pastor James T. Cater Miramar Church 6390 SW 32nd Street Miramar, FL 33023 (954) 981-4677 pastorjim@miramar.org www.miramarchurch.org

First let me say that it is a privilege and honor to assist and come along side fellow believers and friends with the express purpose to facilitate further the sanctification process. Also, in the spirit of Galatians 6:1-6, 1 Corinthians 8:1-3, 10:12, I offer this advice, admonishment, and words of edification. Indeed all counseling is based on the premise that sanctification (pursuing holiness) is the basis and stands in the center of the counseling process in the first place. God has ordained the sanctification process (Ephesians 2:10 tells us that our sanctification was prepared beforehand). Every true believer is being sanctified, howbeit, at different degrees. This is so because we were created in Christ Jesus and our divine side is active at work within us causing and willing and working resulting in sanctification (2 Peter 1:3; Phil 2:12-13).   The opposite is also true. If our lives don't show that God is actively working in us both to will and work unto good works, then the Spirit of God is not at work and we are not being sanctified (1 John 1:8-10, 2:4-6, 29, 3:4-10, 24, 5:4-5). For the Christian, this could be manifested in grieving and quenching the Spirit of God in their lives so that the fruit bearing is being severely impaired. Now, since God is actively at work to ensure that we are being sanctified, then our attitudes, desires, wills, energies, motives, perspectives, etc. are being conformed to his will daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. In addition, God places all circumstances and situations in our lives to further this sanctification. This would include even marriage. Marriage is a tool and an instrument in God's hand to chisel and form character, attitudes, motives, desires, etc, that are godly and Christ-like (Ephesians 5:22-33). Thus, marriage is the fiery furnace where the refiner's hand shapes and molds our being to be vessels of honor. We must look to marriage, therefore, as a way for God to prune, purge, and purify who we are. The partnership as such becomes a God-ordained work of art awaiting its final masterpiece as a celestial exhibition (Ephesians 5:22-33).   Therefore, to begin with, how do you and your spouse perceive marriage? Do you perceive it as a mundane perspective or as a heavenly perspective? Do you perceive marriage in terms of sacred or secular only? Have you both reflected on the roles you all play in this sacred marriage--as mutual instruments of righteousness, purging agents, sanctifying instruments? When you both decided to marry, both of you entered a covenant with high demands and responsibilities. God put this together. God ordained it.   Secondly, the marital arrangement is a divine institution, establishment, and truth. This is a permanent arrangement: Gen 2:18-25; Mal. 2:14-16; Mat 5:31-32; 19:1-10; Mark 10:1-12; Eph 5:31; 1 Corinthians 7:8-11. This is an irreversible decision. Once God has chosen your spouse you are permanently attached. The only exception policy in Scripture is what is outlined within the passages above-- ie. sexual infidelity or death (Romans 7:1-7). The marital union is a union. It is indissoluble and indivisible by man.   Therefore, the question you need to ask yourselves over and over is what breach in the contract have you managed to accomplish that will allow you both to conscience-free and without guilt sever the union? Unless, you fit the bill of the exception clause or death, then your desire to sever the relationship is unwarranted and groundless, regardless of how you both feel emotionally. Now I believe that the infidelity of the past is past! If your wife chose not to take action back then to justifiably seek a lawful divorce, then she chose to keep the marriage intact by her actions.   Therefore, any reasons or beliefs you may have that will lead you to believe you can dissolve the marriage are groundless and baseless. In other words, it is unjustifiable and dishonest with God that you both would pretend anymore that Christianity is real to you both, esp when both are born again and have the Spirit of Christ, and continue to render contempt to the name of Christ (there is a real connection between obedience and blessings). It is with great earnestness that you both realize that what is at stake here is the glorious name of our Lord. If you can't resolve this, the chances are that any partner you have in the future will be the recipient of the same heart attitudes and behaviors. No amount of pretending is going to help the situation if you believe that just dissolving the contract is going to make the problems go away. No, the problems will intensify!    Thirdly, another question you need to ask yourselves is how honest, real, authentic, true, genuine has been you alls desires to seek godly repentance, remorse, penitence, contrition, and confession for the contemptuous and negligent way you have been treating the name of God in regard to your God-ordained contract? Have you mourned over the way you both have treated each other? The effect this has had on your family? The long term effects? How will this affect your obedience in the future? Your sanctification? Have you looked long and hard into the face of God and seen the need for total abandonment and surrender? Please ponder deeply on these questions.   Lastly, If at the end you both cannot resolve the problem. If the resources to the Holy Spirit, the church, counselors, and the spiritual armamentarium you both have access to cannot resolve it, then I suppose a divorce is what's left. My prayer then through all this, is that your hearts turn to God in Godly-sorrow, repentance, confession, contrition, and penitence. And, that you runaway from sin and unrighteousness in the area of relationships and marriage. May your future take a serious turn in this area of your lives. Thank you for enduring my words of exhortation.     Blessings, Pastor James T. Cater Miramar Church 6390 SW 32nd Street Miramar, FL 33023 (954) 981-4677 pastorjim@miramar.org www.miramarchurch.org